life in desperate times

youth group

2006-08-09T15:08:00.000-07:00

well it is wednesday that day after tuesday and the day after tuesday night youth group, so last night i helped out and on the way there i was kind of feeling that i wasnt much use that i really was just kind of there and not really needed. after wwe played a game and sat down inside the youth room victor asked me to borrow my phone which i did and then he was gone for quite a bit and i found him outside with zack just talking and i asked him what was up and he told me his story about how his step-dad threatened him and his mom told he to go screw himself and it just broke my heart that kid is like a brother to me, so i sat out side with them and tried to comfort him the best i knew i brought up God and how he is there in a tight spot and that Gods plans dont always seem to be the right thing at the time. and towards the end we started talking about taylor and zack said i think that he is the one person who has impacted my life that was christian, and i agreed and then victor turned to me and said well me and taylor kind of butted heads and then he said i think its you roger you have been the biggest impact of christ in my life, and man i have got to tell you my heart broke like i wanted to cry but the time i dont think was right so i help back but was still way caught of guard by it like its insane to think im a big impact on anyone but that gos to show u i never thought i was going to impact anyone i never thought that i was anyones roll model it just filled me with such joy i cannot begin to explain, so youth group ended and we all went into the gym and i grabbed victor aside and prayed with him. i dont know if he belives in God or if i did much help but i do know God works wonders and its him that will change him not me. its just strange ive always had people do things for me like to be on the other side is just amazing

i need someone to tell me to shut up

2006-06-16T21:25:00.000-07:00

sometimes i just get these ideas in my head that i just need to be told to stop. like if i feel bad inside like i didnt get enough sleep or my heart beating kind of fast and my mind just desides to freak out. like i have ideas that almost like come close to toalt pararnoya. like ill feel my heart beating fast and then like all these ideas just rush into my head and the most insane one with the most detramental cost to me ill choose and start to actually fear that. so point being like when i was at home and i would get these ideas and then would tell my mom or my brothers and then they would laugh and i would still try to prove my point and they would laugh some more and it came to the point to where it was unavoidable that i did not have the or any illness wich i said i was coming down with so i just need to get a friend or a girl friend that im close enough with to just tell them whats wrong and have let me knowim stupid and that its really not as serious as im thinking

what scars me the most

2006-06-08T22:47:00.000-07:00

well the "devils" day has passed and i have to admit that i was kind of worried about it in the days just before. like i guess i thought God was going to be coming back to earth on that day and for some reason i am just so scared of it like the thought of going to the happiest place in the universe just scares me to death like my heart races and and i cant sleep its just tough for me because if i had any other problem i would go to God but on this one i really cant which really sucks i almost dont want to write this blog because its so late and it may scare my awake so i cant sleep tonight like it just takes over my mind sometimes to where it almost impares me to do normal day to day operations its just ugh i fear it so much its like if i think about it my day is ruined i guess ill just have to deal with it just find a way to live with it later

tender spot

2006-05-30T22:03:00.000-07:00

sometimes i just feel so inadequate, like when i go to church when i talk with other christians when i talk to God i just feel so small and in just last place. like i think of what a Godly life is a life that i am supposted to be living and what i think are the qualities are i fill none of the requirements. i wouldnt say i really have a list but an idea of what a Godly man is supposted to be and im just not it. it just puts a saddness in me everyday a feeling of that i am no good that everyone else takes leaps and bounds and i only baby step. its just depressing you know? like were at a drag strip and im in my jetta and im racing against NHRA dragsters. i rememmber a time when i went to the beach last year and the water was so warm it really was a great day to be at the beach ( rare in seaside) and anyways me and my friends swim out and then after awhile we deside to head in and i put my foot into the sand and try and push off but to my surprise when my foot hit the sand below it was instantly pushed back at first i laughed and then when i tired agian the same result and i chuckled this time until the third time did i realize that this was going to be a problem as you can tell i made it in but why i bring this up is. it seems like this same thing has happened in my spiritual life but i did not realize the problem until it was way too late i feel admist a vast sea wondering where i went wrong. oh how i wish i would have done something sooner but i didnt and i just feel overwhelmed

relics and salvation

2006-05-28T20:42:00.000-07:00

all over the board in christian socity relics and symbols hold alot of meaning and are very highly valued. lots of people with thier tattoos and rosary beeds and all sorts of things worn or put on the body to kind of be a reminder or a symbol of thier faith. and i think these types of thing are taken in the wrong way. no matter how many crosses you own or tattoos of saint peter will you ever gain entry into heaven. i also think sometimes people are like well if i get this tattooed on me i will sin less but if i always wear this cross around my neck i will be less likely to sin. its just i think too much importance has been put into symbols of christ rather then christ himself. its almost as if people think that religious symbols are more like battle armor then just symbols. i dont think God ever cared about what symbol represented him but what he came here to say and what he wants us to know. i just think its becoming ridiculus that people use symbols more then God like wearing a cross around your neck or a ring on your finger will help you become closer to God then just plain old fashion spending time with God its just been bugging me sence i see more and more symbols and less and less action later

all nighter

2006-05-28T07:27:00.000-07:00

well tonight i pulled an all nighter. well the whole thing started yesturday as most all nighters start. anyways we ordered a pay perview the UFC fight and we envited some people over and we watched the thing ate sme food and swam in the pool it was a good time like it seems like i havent had things like this in a long time like out here it seems the only way for anyone to have fun is to drink. its like everyone is so dull that unless thier wasted there no fun always bored it sucks soim glad for once we didnt have to like kill all our brain cells for a night of fun thats like the only thing i hate about here no one knows how to just have fun they only know how to drink

i aint no saint!

2006-05-25T20:47:00.000-07:00

alright well i was sitting by myself like always in church a couple sundays ago and the assistant pastor comes up to me says hi and all that jazz, then we start talking about school. and then i dont know why i went into all this but i did and i told him that i thought that God kind of called me to AZ and then i was thinking of dropping and then i was saying like yeah i dont know whats going to go on but we'll see what Gods got ahead for me. and then he goes wow thats awesome and praises me for and and asks my age and then i go yeah yeah i know and all of the sudden chruch had to begin and then i realized oh man i hope he doesnt think of me as boastful! like i was just tired and was just kind of going along with what was beening said and then i realized it oh man that was way over confident and now everytime i see that guy in the back of my mind im always like oh man here he comes he probably thinks im a jerk and then last sunday i tried to bring it up but i couldnt bring my self to it the whole sitch kind of sucks later

did i make God smile today?

2006-05-21T23:55:00.000-07:00

well today i woke up took a shower went to church and then helped out with it afterward then after that i worked out with some friends so today was an ok day. on the way home from church i was thinking about this about pleasing God i started thinking of how to envolve God in more of my choises and things of that nature so anyways as i went on thinking i asked if i had pleased God today and i thought so and i thought about the day before and it was not so much and i went back and back and there were some days that i thought i had and other i had'nt. anyways i got more into the part of just trying to please God and the more i thought about it the more i realized this was no easy task. so i thought about how others had done it or how i think they do it. this all lead to a Godly life because to please God you must live a Godly life right? and it just confuses me so when i try and think of what a Godly life exactly is. sins are sins and thats a fact so how can anyone live a Godly life? how can anyone call themselfs Godly because its also a fact that no one is perfect. so what is this Godly life? this has me baffeled and i have small ideas of what it could be but all my other logic tells me otherwise or bibical knowledge tells me otherwise. so when i see pastors and when i have bible study leaders are they not Godly? how is a Godly life liven? this question has been on my mind for awhile and its really getting to me. i just dont know so pray for me and i will pray about this cause man its almost got me up at night later

pretty sweet

2006-05-16T10:55:00.000-07:00

me and my dad were talking about me going to another collage and all that and getting into my dads buisness and we were talking fundamentals and it was just after we came home from church and we were sitting on the couch and we begin our talk and then he said this too me "now the first thing to do in this buisness is this do what we just did, get right with the Lord and then go from there" now it just seemed funny to me because for one ive never heard my dad say anything like that and two it just meant something to me because telling someone to get right with the Lord telling someone to be saved to me is a way to show love. i can think of no better gift no better way to show ture affection for another person then helping them find a way to God if they have never had a relationship or helping them get to a closer one if they have walked away , anyways yeah it just struck me in an awkward way kind of caught me off guard but im glad and really getting right with God is the first step to doing anything anywhere at any time

showing Gods love 2

2006-04-24T02:50:00.000-07:00

ive just been thinking alot about love for one its been in my reading and two like the past few sermins that i have gone to have been about it or it had a major roll in what it was all about, anyways its just i feel some much pressure to show Gods love. well i know that am a embassitor of him and Jesus was all about love showing it and meaning it, then im a christian aka christ like, and it comes back agian to just being a representitive of him and i just feel so over whelmed like almost everyday i say i dont like that guy this guy hes a jerk, you should have seen what he said/ did too me like three months ago. and now that God has brought this subject to my attention its like wow things are so far off from where they should be. like when i talk about these guys at my school this way or that bad driver on the freeway im not showing christs love. its just i see where the standard is and i see where my mark is at and its like standing at the foot of a great mountian and sometimes i just think "oh lord how will i ever reach?" everyday i just feel so overwhelmed i wake and i know what lies before me i can not do. sometimes i just feel so weak such a small drop amungst this monsune and it makes each day that much harder because i see me and i see the task and realize that theres no way for me to over come that. i know that God given me the strength but sometimes i just dont see it. i see a weak man beaten with trials almost taking his last steps. also i know that Gods strength is infinite and its enough to see me threw the tightest of places but sometimes i just dont see it in me. i really see a losing battle well pray for me and i think tonight God and i will talk in depth i think that tonight that he and i will open new chapters in our relationship.

showing Gods love.....

2006-04-20T01:28:00.000-07:00

showing Gods love is easier said then done. that phrase is said alot but i think thats because how true it really is. its just in class i have all these people sitting around me that i would say hate just loath. like the guy that sits right next to me is just annyoing like he makes faces to himself and to me and tells jokes that arent funny but quietly to himself and when you ask him what he said he wont tell you then play the game like he doesnt know what im talking about after three weeks it has gotten on my nerves. then directly behind me sits this guy who just "knows everything" he likes VW cars and because he reads magazines and owns one he must know all about them which by seeing how his car is and watching him in class its apparent he really doesnt know as mch as he talks. and while the others around me just dont like me i can kind of tell anyways and the guy who sits right behind me has a wie who sits across the room and she is really getting on my last nerve as well. anyways it just seems that im tested everyday. like to kind of show Gods love threw me i just feel im wearing thin. like today that guys wife started yelling at me about nothing because just like her husband she swears shes a certified VW tech its like look i can guide any car on to the rack its more of a drivers falt and she got mad at me for guiding her husband on wrong when it was his falt to begin with for not listening to me. its just man i want to go up behind her tap her on the shoulder and wind up and punch her in the mouth one she doesnt know as much as she thinks she does and two she should come barking orders at me in the first place we all ahve groups in lab and shes not in ours so she has no say in what we do. ethier way its just like a struggle to keep my mouth shut and to kind of take the higher path ( by that i mean getting angry at her but only telling to my friends) which really isnt the way to go but its what i chose anyways and the guy that sits right next to me is just like a little brother i never wanted to have. like its just tought and thats all im really trying to say i mean i love the test because if i can do this God has bigger things on they way but i hate it at the same time. i guess showing Gods love is going to be important later for me if its such a hard test this time anyways i just needed to let it all out in a more thought out manner one where im not so angry and not ready to blow my top off

changing

2006-04-17T00:22:00.000-07:00

i think things are changing with me. i dont know that lust for sin seems to be subsiding, its just i feel now that althought in the past i thought partying and having a hot grilfriend and lots of friends would bring me happyness i see now it wont. its just i knew God was the only thing that could satisfy me but now i know it

searching for God knows what?

2006-04-05T03:18:00.000-07:00

im getting to a part iin this book which is pretty good but im really starting to dislike it. the guy has this lifeboat theory. heres what it is. ok before the fall of man we needed only God after the fall we made things to try and satisfy that large spot God used to fill. and the whole lifeboat thing is this we all try and make ourselfs look as best as possible by liking the right things putting yourself with the winners never being wrong because we have this need to be approved by our peers. so i guess im ok with that but then he goes into explain that everything i like that noi matter what it is i only like it because im trying to impress my peers. and ive been thinking about it for almost two weeks. it just bugs the crap out of me. it ruins everything i like now or anything i think is cool. i cant like certin movies now because other people like them or i cant wear a certin type of clothes because im only weraing them to impress other people. ugh it drives me insane it just cheapens the way i live. God made me to like and dislike things i dont always like what every one else does and sometimes i do i dont just like things so others will like me. i hate the way he puts it and they way everytime i do anything in the back of my mind is " oh your only doing that because you want to impress everyone" ugh it makes me nuts. i cant like anything anymore because im trying to fill a hole that only God can fill. that point is not vaild and i hate that i ever read it because now its all i can think about. he is too much of a sterotyper. because hes written two books now one sucessfull and one not he knows the inner workings of every human being. im not even sure now if im going to finsih the book

passion

2006-04-05T03:03:00.000-07:00

i was watching the movie sideways i think kind of because i talked to some christian people about it when it first came out and they were totally agianst it. anyways i was watching a part where two of the main charictures are talking about wine. just why they love it what it brings to thier minds when they drink it. and these people dont drink it to get drunk but to enjoy it they love the taste and the whole feeling that surronds wine. anyways i listened to them speak even though i know it was only lines on a script, but i could just feel it you know? like if thoes people were real. if it wasnt a movie i could tell they really loved there wine. now i only bring this up because it was just such a wake up call. something inside me was awoken not because of what they were talking about but because the way they spoke. it just reminded me of a time where i used to talk like that not about wine but about God it sturred up the flame to just sit and think about him. not bible stories or anything like that. just him and I the whole releationship we had. it was awesome, but then some saddness came over me, when i realized i havent spoken that way in awhile. yes i have talked about christ to un belivers and at church answering questions and things of that nature, but i havent talked just about my love for him or his love for me. i havent used great words to descirbe that relationship between him and I. i just miss talks i havent had in awhile and it makes me wish i still did. that is the most depressing thing about living here i just dont talk about God as often as i used to, to belivers that feel the same way. it was like when i was living in my home town going to church and bible studies and dicipleships i was running on 110 octane fuel. it was fun it felt great and now im out here ive slowed down. i mean i havent completely turned my back or anything i just have slowed and am running on like 85 octane. that burst of energy that came rushing threw my vains everytime Gods name was mentioned doesnt seem to be there anymore. it just sucks . i dont think my love for God has lessoned its just i dont express it anymore i keep christian donald on the inside where rough and tough don is outside where i can put up a front like i dont need anyone to live like the reason im here is im just that strong sometimes i think the christian zing just sint there anymore

church friends

2006-03-12T21:53:00.000-08:00

so today i went to chruch and i was kind of tired i alost fell asleep during the service, anyways at the end i felt like a nap and before i left this gilr i know asked if she anyone wanted to go to lunch there was a group and to tell the truthi didnt feel much like going. so i left the sanctuary and headed for my car and i was half way there and something hit me like a sudden wave came over me and i decided to go so i turned around and went back into the chruch and told her i wanted to go. i dont know the reason but i went . what sucked even more is i was the only guy i a girl group of friends. which is always awkward because of all thoes inside jokes and the things they laugh at i never do. anyways it was cool it was cool to see that they invited me into there group so quickly. like at my old church where i was an active member of the youth group they always shuned me. anyways after we went to a movie it was the funest day ive ever had but i tink God wanted me to take that step into friendship with christian others. like ive been praying for christian friends and now i think ive started some. i think God wanted me to be there because this life im living is about to change i think a major reason im living the way i am is because my friends when everyones drunk and everyones sleeping with girls it just makes sin more accesable and in my face. its just if i have christian friends while everyones here partying or whatever i have an escape today was very important even if it may not have seemed that way

wishes

2006-03-12T21:52:00.000-08:00

God i wish i was more like you

fear

2006-02-26T21:02:00.000-08:00

my whole life i have always feared living forever, if you have ever talked to me personaly or in depth for any matter of time you know this. my whole life ive always just been told it will be ok i think because no one could tell me other wise and i always asked christians, anyways today in church the pastor brought up the subject of fear i didnt think of anything at first and it wasnt even part of the message and then he said give your fears to jesus and like a bullet it hit me i have always been afraid of heaven i know it is the holyest place in the universe but i am just scared of living forever i have had some skeued thoughts of it and have been able to freak myself out alone in the dark very well for many years. anyways he said let God comfort you. leave the fears at the cross and for once in my life i did. i really did leave them there and it was crazy like when i left church i felt like i was walking on the moon it was truly awesome. i think that is what had been a major gap between me and God is that i am afraid of him. it has put a hole hinderence in my whole walk a major part i sin its like well i wont go to heaven if im doing this and i know im christian so he can come back now. kind of my way stalling the second coming because sense ive learned of it i have been terrified of it. anyways i think things will be different from now on or i will be able to see a change no more of this luke warm christian finally being able to sell out completely

excplicet content

2006-02-26T20:50:00.000-08:00

anyways i started a new youth group and i remember the frist time i sat down therei remember all of the thoughts that ran threw my head it was insane.ok so let me walk you threw the whole scene well i walk into the upstairs room and as i walk in theres only one lady in the room and we meet and all that and i take a seat we sit in silence for a few moments and then another person comes into the room and its john hes the guy i met a week before who told me i should wake up early enough to make it too the service. anyways a few second go by and all of the sudden this wave of nasty thoughts hit my mind. like having sex with just random women masturbating right in the room. it was insane, like i could cut these thoughts from my mind it may have been a attack from the devil himself and if it wasnt that i cant explain it at all anyways i plan to go back every sunday they have the service

talking to my parents

2006-02-08T23:40:00.000-08:00

i used to hate talking to my parents, not becuse i hated them or because the only time we did was when i was i trouble it was just because it bored me. conversation with them seemed to be just unbearable. like we would all go out to eat at some resturant and we would go inside order with a little small talk while waiting on the food and before long the food would arrive and we would eat with only few words said in between the mouthfulls. and then came the part i dreaded, i always like to try new things or had been too hungry to wait so i had snacked before the meal and was already done with my meal or had enough of this whatever to make me unable to eat and i would sit back rest a few seconds and realize now my parents have to finish and whoever else before we could leave. thenj after they had finished it was time to just relax and have a nice conversation which i was in no part a part. now it wasnt the waiting or the just bordom that i hated it, was the conversation. to say it nicely it just sucked. it bored me to death. whatever we talked about i was not interested with no matter what. maybe a comment here or there but just flat out hated it and i would always ask my dad if they were ready to leave so i could get the torture over with. after pissing him off half a dozen times i learned to just wait utnil i had seen them kind of draw to a close with the conversation. as i look back on it man was i a fool i have passed up so many times to just sit and talk with my father and mother. just to enjoy thier company.
when i got into my later middle school years 7th 8th grade i started to realize that man i have grown. from a small boy to a large boy and it seems it has taken no time at all. i started to remaniss about my childhood. i even dreamed to go back too it where i had no problems and no worries. back to where my only concern really was "wheres my mom?" . and all threw highschool and i always fought time and as you can tell i lost. i just hated the fact that i had to grow up even being stuck in highschool forever seemed better then growing up. i think it was all because i knew as time lead on something was put deep inside me to know like from birth that what begins will always end. and because i knew my mom would end my dad would end my brothers would end and i would end i didnt want it. i didnt like ends. i remeber skiping ends of movies ends of books lots of things because i just didnt want them to end i wanted things to last forever. and i know it took me awhile to get to my point but here it is. someone asked me why i call home so much? am i home sick? am i just a little baby afraid without mommy and daddy? no its because i love my parents i like to hear thier voices, because i know one day things will end.
we visit my grandma sometimes in her old folks home. it really is hard for me to go at all but i do it to make my parents happy. as we all go into the room we all go up and give grandma a hug and ask her how she is. i think she has alchimers? i think thats how its spelled, anyways i look into her eyes and i see it. i look at her body all black and blue because in her old age her skin got really fragile and she bruises easyly even to the slightest touch, i see it. i see that end. and i know one day when it comes to it myparents will be in that place. i will go to visit them and i will look them in thier eyes and see it. just thinking of this brings my eyes to tears. and if you know me that isnt easy. and for that reason for that reason alone i call them every day. i know one day the conversations will stop. one day all i will have left are memories. i know the end will come i cannot fight that it makes me sad but i know when that end comes only a few memories away will be my end and upon my end i will start a new one with them agian. it is only now that i see why my dad loved to go up to my grandparents house all the time even though i thought it was because of all the kool outdoors stuff too do it was to see them. and i too now cant wait to go home to see my parents

man these dreams

2006-02-04T21:51:00.000-08:00

man i had the craziest dream last night, it was scary and awesome all at the same time ok me and some friends are driving down the highway were just driving along not talking about much when a semi truck cuts us off we swerve off the road and kind of head downhill and then i see ahead of us a drop and i thionk oh no and huge drop but to my surprise the drop wasnt so bad and were still rolling and here comes another and another until i see it a huge cliff. as we come closer and closer to this cliff im like no way this cliff is so huge there is no way we can survive this one so as we go speeding off the cliff i can feel my stomach rasie into my throat and then i realize it this my end. this is how my life is going to end and so i turn to my friend in the next seat and ask him" do you know who jesus christ is?" his reply is somewhat blury but i think his answer was yes and then i say " good because were going to die" so we careen down the cliff and as we hit the ground we bounce. and im thinking what? thats not how that happens? anyways we didnt die and we landed in some field and like made a huge dent in the ground anyways it ended with some farmers helping us out but like this last drop was like the drop off half dome or one of the towers of the golden gate bridge type thing anyways it was way wierd but man it was awesome to see my subliminal mind bring christ into the picture was awesome im glad that he is finally sinking into the depths of my soul and its getting to the thoughts of my mind even when im not awake its just awesome to see another step take place in my walk with God if thats what it means which im sure that it does but at the same time it could be something totally different

left weak

2006-02-01T01:30:00.000-08:00

have you ever told the truth and then wish you had lied? sometimes i do and all the time i hate that. i guess i feel weak and that to give the truth took too much strength to deliver. and i hate that i hate that i feel weak when it comes time to do the right thing. i guess its just another struggle of life but it still sucks. i dont know when i was a kid i just imagined my life so much differebt like i used to read bible stories and listen to people disobey God i and used to think " man how stupid can these guys get? why dont they just do as God says" if only i knew how stupid that thought was and as that thought stuck with me so did my thoughts and dreams of how my life was going to be i just pictured this perfect life where everything went right and now i look at things and there not that way its just kind of dsisapointing thats all and im just not impressed with how things worked out. i guess im still kind of in shock of how it really is

its been awhile

2006-01-31T00:16:00.000-08:00

its been awhile sence ive made a public announcment of my faith and now that i think of it i dont belive i have ever made a public announcment of my faith. well this sunday this guy came to my new church and he talked about a rivival and this and that and towards the end he gave an alter call along with a renew your faith kind of thing and while others heads were bowed he told us to raise our hands and i did because i knew i needed it you know and i thought that would be it you know just raise your hand stay annonmise and go on your way well it didnt end like that after the prayer he had us come up and resite the prayer to accept christ and i did and then other came up and prayed with us and i told one of the guys that had come to pray with me why i was up there and then after being there for awhile the service was about over and i sat down we prayed a final prayer and i left. i felt good for awhile but then i got the hugest feeling of embarassement. and for about four days now i have felt so embarrassed and i dont know why its not unheard of for people to go to the alter at my church and of course even the pastor sins but i can not figure out why i feel so embarassed like i should but i do i have even gotten some panic attacks this week because of it. i dont know what up with it but hopefully ill find out and be able to solve it . maybe because i took a stand like i stood out i didnt keep to myself like i let in a whole church congragation into my inner person i let out my flaws i let out my imperfect self out i went before everyone and showed them a side that in other situations i never would have yeah yeah i think thats it

ive made a mistake

2006-01-16T21:38:00.000-08:00

really ive made a mistake. i left God out of a major desecion, i didnt go to God when i really needed too. well its all about my new roomate. well hes 24 not a bad guy but not someone i need in my house. like because hes 24 he likes to drink not get drunk every night not even enough to mess anything up its not like hes an alcholic but he brings drinks into the house and i guess because of it ive been drinking latly and then my friends all come over and then we all buy drinks together its just now hes in theres drinks over at the house now my defence has too be up 24/7 and has too be stronger then ever it just sucks that i left God of my roomate situation when before i left home i prayed and told my parents that i want to be very careful when picking roomates because i didnt want something like this happening its just for three months i had been looking for roomates and then without even thinking i was talking to him about rooms for rent and he wanted to pay exactly what my rent was. so it just fell together without me thinking and now i regret it but maybe in the long run it will help it will be fight or die type of situation and maybe thats what i need to snap me from this funk im in maybe this was Gods plan

new youth group

2006-01-10T23:24:00.000-08:00

hey wow i think i finally found another youth group! ive been wating so long and now finally i have a youth group that ive found and im going to go do something with them saturday night i hope things workout i meane i loved my old one and i hope things are that way with this one but we shall see were like going to this mall slash outdoor concert place but i dont know like if its a highschool youth group i might not fit because me and my one friend that are going are going top be older then every one else there and i dont think i will like that but lets hope and pray for the best

some not very serious thought very seriously thought about

2006-01-10T23:02:00.000-08:00

ok sometimes when things dont go smoothly or i have a little trouble or do something dumb ill make my hand into a little gun and put it in my mouth and pull the trigger and commit pretend suicide. now i dont do this aroud alot of people i do it kind of too myself and i would almost say pretty frequently. now i dont look at suicide as a solution or anything your problems dont leave when you kill yourself and i dont think i am at all suicidle, but it makes me wonder why do i do it? why do i see something go wrong then immeditly pull the trigger? why do i find that as a fake solution or as some kind of joke? it just brings questions to my mind and some deep thought of life and if i would ever really end it? i know i wouldnt but why do it turn to it as a problem solver? it just makes me think thats all

easy way out

2006-01-04T02:07:00.000-08:00

the easy way out. it always seems i try and take the easy way out. sure drink another beer watch thoes dirty movies sure take it easy hasnt today been tough? dont you deserve to relax? if you dont who does? youve done what you were supposted to your passing your classes your parents are happy with you no its time to just relax. just give up give in to your inner callings just give in to your flesh. oh its ok youve fought long enough. isnt just about time you give up? isnt it always that way. time for me to give up hey youve fought for ahile now just give in people wont look down on you. that inner voice of your done you cant go any farther. and i dont want to build this up like some climax in a book where i come with great triumph over this great evil. i just want to acknowladge it because when you do that you make it real you make it something to fight and not just oh hey thats just you your just crazy nothings trying to bring you down nothings just tring to tear you away from your goals. just relax take this lying down arent you tired? i am tired but i am not foolish on the last day God was in the wilderness he was temped when your beat down when it looks like nothings every going to go right agian thats when it comes thats when the flesh sets in

falling in faith

2005-12-21T23:10:00.000-08:00

today i was sitting in class and i found out we were going to takea test. then i thought about what i was going to do to pass this test so the teacher went on with his lecture and i understood enough to where i was going to pass the test. as i reviwed over the cross word and other things in the book in knew that i did not have knowledge to pass this test. the first thing that came too myu mind was dude pray theres no way im going to pass. so there in class i said a small paryer to myself in class." God i need you with you helping me on this test i will not pass. i dont know what i need to please God help me pass this test. God i need you Lord i will tell all my friends and family how you helped me on this test i wilol call my parents tonight and tell them how you helped me pass and how happy i am you know i want to please them Lord please let me pass this test". so the test was passed out and i took the test during it i felt ok you know like i knew some of the answers and tha5t God was in my favor. i rember thing sweet Lord your going to let me pass. thanks you sweet Gods in my cornner. so when i was finished i went up and turned it in and wow was i wrong i missed five out of ten and what made it worse is that the teacher announced it in front of the class. before he had even got threw grading the whole test he told me to get out. he was joking but it didnt help from adding to my shame. after that i left i went out side sat down held my emmoutions inside bummed a smoke off a friend and talked about how to improve my next test score by studing harder or doing a review question sheet before the next test. but inside in my mind the question rang" where was God?" really where was he? i asked i pleaded what happened. i walked back into class and the teacher was out of the room doing something else. so while he was gone i desided to take a walk. i asked God where he was i did a tour of the school and pray type of thing . i tryed to take apart all of the reasons why he didnt help me out. maybe there was a good reason for me to fail. maybe he wants me to talk to him more maybe he needs me to depend on me more. but i realized what i talk to him everyday i think about him constantly well not 24/7 but thought about God are not in shortage in my brain. and i depend on him every day if i didnt why would i ask him for help on a test thats npohing too difficult thats not hey God help me save these children in a school bus flying down a cliff. no its a test and i still asked for his help.
ivew heard a song and it kind of ran threw my head as this was happening i can only rember a line but it goes like this" some of Gods greatest gifts are unanswered prayers". well i thought about that and why would he want me to fail a test? why would not succeding be a good thing to God? i just dont know.
what i dont know is i feel like crap. i feel like i stepped out in faith and was nt met there. i feel like i took a leap a small one but a one none the less and was left only to feel the impact of the ground. like i was counting on God and he gave me a cold shoulder im sure things were not that way he has never been that way toward me but i just feel like i was stood up by a one who said he never would

is it a merry christmas?

2005-12-19T22:30:00.000-08:00

i dont know something in the hoildays brings me down. threw out the whole month i feel more and more down as the passing days go by filled with shopping and think about what every one wants and have i got everything on my list and that this hoilday should be more about God then it is now. and all the while people ask me what i want and people go out of thier way to find and buy me gifts and i always think back wow why am i getting gifts? i have been a horriable person this year. i have wronged more people then i can count . and all my friends and family i have probably done them even worse. and i then i see me showered wwith gifts and given love freely. and it makes me guilty more then i should because i feel all the more that i dont deserve what i am being given there really should be only one person that gives me more then i should get and hes not anyone in my family or on this planet. i just feel like im tricking everyone on christmas its like HA i fooled you all you gave me all these things and i didnt deserve a one! and it almost feels wrong give me all these things it just kind of makes me feel bad to see my bad deeds kind of rewarded. i know i shouldnt but i always do

a good ammount of guilt?

2005-12-18T21:14:00.000-08:00

ive been thinking alot and ive done my fair share of sinning in the past and the present, and ive come to the conclusion well not conclusion really but i guess you could call it a semi-conclusion, that there is a right ammount of guilt. well for example when i sin i get a huge does of guilt almost to the point to where i dont know why God keeps me alive and to the point of why do i even talk to God do i even want to talk to him now with so much shame hung over my head? and of coarse right after that i take a step back and say "hey lets not get like that, you know God loves you no matter what if your relationship with God was like that to where you could come around for a few days after you sin or were like black listed for sining you would never talk to God agian, much less even a angle at the bottom of the totem pole under Gods command" and so ive done this many times i feel sick to my stomach im depressed, i cant do anything to get my mind off it until i say something to myself. so time passes and i get over it and then when the time comes agian isin. and now ive looked back on it and i do really think there is a right ammount of guilt. most of the time people tell you not to feel guilty, for one they are afraid that you are on the edge of becoming an unbeliver thinking that you are not worthy enough. and two if your not on the edge yet they are afraid that you are pushing yourself in that direction, and if you are then of course stop it and know that you were made to make mistake. not at first but it was an end result and a way for God to kind of strain out some of his creations that dont belive in him. anyways another story another time. but there really is a right ammount i found that when i just became totally oblivious to my sin just threw it behind me and lit the tires as i flew away from my problems i totally forgot the guilt i had the past time when it came time for me to choose the right or wrong path agian. you see with a level ammount of guilt when it comes time to defeat a new battle that you have failed in the past you know the utcome you know the guilt you know the pain in which it took to tell God that you failed him agian you know that last time right after the sin was done that you didnt want to do it agian. see its kind of a defense mechanisim or merly a shiled but it is truly God that you have by your side to fight but as a helper and reminder i think a small ammount or whatever you require ammount of guilt should follow you not as a burden but and a reminder of what you never want to do agian

choosing strength

2005-12-17T01:58:00.000-08:00

wow for once i chose my strength i can begin to tell you the wonders of doing so. like i never thought that denying my self os sin could be so great or so freeing. its like when you are about to deny it or are think of weather or not to commit the sin i always thought well you can do it and kill the urge now or not do it but be left unsatisfied and be wishing you did do it. when in reality choosing strength feels so great i felt Gods presents in my i could feel his blood flowing threw my vains as for once in my life i actually choose him i actually choose it wasnt God i choose you because i know im not supposed too or because its the right thing too do or because i know you will like it if i dont. i choose him i really did i said God i dont want this i hate myself everyday for turning my back and i said god i choose you i choose life . and i know things wont be easy and i know i will probably falter agian but this one step in the right path only makes me linger for more

BOW DOWN

2005-12-15T21:51:00.000-08:00

ok well i was up this morning as i have been for the past several mornings and i turn on the tube and watch nicktoons or whatever because angry beavers my favorite show ever is on and so im watching it and while a comercial comes on i usally look away but this one it caught my attention it was one of invader zim which is a show about a alien who comes to earth and tires to take it over but fails every time. anyways so its his comercial and his in this huge santa suit and this song comes on in the background " BOW DOWN! BOW DOWN! BEFORE SANTA! BOW DOWN! BOW DOWN! BEFORE SANTA! OR BE CRUSHED BE CRUSHED BY HIS JOLLY BOOTS OF DOOM!" It kind of plays like an old russian national anthume with loud trumpets and men singing it. anyways while this is going on zim is on stage infront of tons of little children as the scream santas name and im pretty sure bow down. and im watching going what is this whats going on here? look at all the children worship santa when all santa really wants is to kill them he hates humans and then i think wow look at whats going on look at the supid people worship this killer this death and then i relate that to my own life and wow how true that is how i see people worship things presents even other people. it just eye opening looking at what can become an idole and what has i think that show has alot more to offer then just laughs

strength

2005-12-13T20:09:00.000-08:00

strength this has been on my mind ive read from the bible all things are done threw jesus and that we cant do anything without him. so when it comes time for me too choose sin or the right path i find myself in a big dilemma well now do i fight do i stand up too sin or let God take care of it now ive been reading this book called wild at heart and the author talks about strength and that i have what it takes to fight it but if it says otherwise then shouldnt i live by what the book says? but maybe i have read wrong ? or maybe God gave me strength so in that way it is threw God and i should fight it. but from what i have read it isnt that way and all the while i debate this in my head my sinful nature is having its way while my guard is down and i wrestle with this problem everyday it haunts my thoughts and its getting to a point to where i just make myself sick and then i fidn myself concentrating too much on the sin itself and not enough on God and its just a big mess anyways yeah thats what on my mind

heavy

2005-12-12T00:07:00.000-08:00

gods put things on my heart when i know what they are ill let yall know

prayers answered

2005-12-08T22:12:00.000-08:00

when im praying i just try to say whats on my mind ask for thi9ngs only needed just try to really enjoy and further the communication with God and i but then i pray for help on a test or for a whole day of just staying close to god and i find myself failing the test and totally sinning the day threw. it just kills me why wasnt it in gods plan to have my prayers answered, why didnt i score high on the test why didnt i go threw the day with out sinning . its just these questions have been roaming around in my head. and it just bugs me like why wasnt it Gods plan to have me do well why do i stare at failure every night? its just i thoughtprayer would put me in places i wanted to be but it seems at least for the time being i can only hope of where i want to be

the right button too push

2005-12-08T21:33:00.000-08:00

have you ever met someone that just knows what button to push to make you go insane? i think everyone know that one person that knows just what too say to make you flame up in anger and blow your lid. its just my dad man he just gets me so mad everytime i just kind of say something he doesnt agree with or we have different opinoins on something he goes hey i dont want to argue real loud and angry and im like what no i wasnt even trying to argue but then as soon as i say that then im arguing and it drives up the wall i get so mad i dont evn want to speak with him anymore. its just me and my dads relationship is just one of constant fighting but with lots of respect in it. its just we never see eye to eye on anything and its a huge uproar over everything. its just ugh i hate to argue he does too but everytime we talk it always gets back too that its like ill never have any kind of relationship if this wont just stop

failed agian

2005-07-05T17:19:00.000-07:00

ive failed you agian. i tried so hard to triumph i reached so high but i found my self not far from the ground when i fell agian. i dont know i just felt like this was it my time of glory was at hand you and i were to grow so close but here i find myself back at square one. i dont know i just really thought that my sins have finally stopped.but how foolish? i mean to think back on it now i just cant belive how easly i turned to old ways. what was i doing? what was i thinking? i caqnt belive it i want to scream and yell and be upset but it will do no good. getting mad i think will only make it worst i guess i just have to sit pray and hope that these sins will pass i dont know whats next i dont where im headed but if i l;ive like this i know this life wont be worth living for. i dont know what im asking but i guess im asking for help i really am at my last strand im just tired and worn out im sorry i made promisess i could not keep im sorry ive wronged you in so many ways i am so sorry that i have wasted so much time here i dont know what to say but sorry doesnt give me back days or time that i should have spent with you but i do ask for forgiveness i know that is the only thing that can give me back your grace and your mercy. i dont know why im writting but i felt more like writing it down then just saying it in my head.

hope

2005-06-01T21:40:00.000-07:00

hope is the bravest thing i have ? yeah right. hope is the dumbest thing i have. hope is something for dreamers who have no chance at anything which is why they hope. hope is what you do when your lazy. hope is realitys worst enemy, when you hope you dont do anything you just sit and hope instead of find a solution by acting. when hope is all you have aleft you really have nothing left because hope is nothing but sillyness wasted thughts and words. i hoped i would pass my final and i wasted my time. i wasted a chance to study harder and it was also my falt that my whole class came down to this hope is nothing and hard work is everything in the world of getting things done

repo

2005-05-18T23:00:00.000-07:00

well a long time ago i sold a car to a friend and he had a job at the time and then everything came crashing down. well i shouldnt say that things were fine for almost a month then things went down hill and fats. we were selling it too him for 1000 a nice price for a good car. he made a 300 payment down on it. and then he got the car towed lost his job got into an accident. all this happened with in two months. then the payments stopped coming and more and more things started to break on the car. a tail light would fall off here on the trunk lock broke here. so now the time is pay us the full ammount of the car or give it back. which i know for a fact that he doesnt have the money so today me and another friend ask him to give back the car today and thats that. for one reason we need to pay the registration and to do that we need to get it smogged and nethier of tthoes things are being done by now. so he calls me up and says that its wrong to just take the car away because he will have no trasnportation even after he agreed to it just min ago. so then he says ill drop it off tonight so i let it at that and then he doesnt drop the car off. and its like ok first you dont make poayments then you lie to me and thats all i can take . after this he says we owe him money. so thats it im done sheding grace and im done sheding mercy. ive fought for this kid to keep the car when my dad wanted to take it away and now when it finally comes to it he treats me like this. i guess maybe he thought hey were freiends so it doesnt matter wether or not i pay him. oh its ok to treat the car like crap because were friends. oh he will take care of all the payments because were friends. well you know what no! no! im done with this im done trying to be a friend to someone who will only use me because thats all our friendship is anymore. ive shed blood sweat and tears over ths guy and if he wont help himself then let him suffer the consequences because im done fighting for someone that only wants to fight me

hardcore

2005-05-04T21:45:00.000-07:00

well me and my mom went down to borders to check out a cd i wanted her to buy me and then while we were ordering it she looks at what type of music it is and then shes sees that its hardcore music and flips out . she says that all hardecore music has lots of swear words and has lots of sexual references. i of course try to tell her that thats not how it is that she doesnt know whats shes talking about and that there is such a thing as christian hardcore music. and she wont ecxcept that fact also she says basicly its a sin to listen to it. all because of the word hardcore. shes has not heard one note of any hardcore music and yet it is completely satan filled and evil walking on earth. then she says hey ask taylor and see if he thinks that its ok to listen to it and i tell her yes he would because theres nothing worng with hardcore music. then she says well if he says yes then maybe you shouldnt see him every thursday. i tell her to hold it right there. look i will let ignoracne go so far but there is a place and a time to end it and that time was now. i then say to her now hold your tounge im about to tell you the truth , look if you think that listening to hardcore music makes you a sinner or that somehow if you listen to hardcore music makes you a non-christian then you are sadly mistaken. music does not make the man but the actions. by now we were home and the conversation took off up the drive way into the house. and the last thing i said to her was now ive got to question your motives wether its to bring me up in a godly way or to conform me to what your belife of chirstanity is after that she quickly picked up the phone and called her friend to blow off this subject because she doesnt want to be proven wrong or is afraid of finding out that she is wrong and that her own son may know more about christ then her. that is a scary fact that if my mom just depended on my dad to do all the beliving and she is just along for the ride just keeping herself clean. just satying sinless and thinking that will give her admittience to heaven it really scares me

day to day

2005-05-04T20:03:00.000-07:00

well today was a tough one i guess we lost our baseball game i am now realizing how much i am failing which is every class just about i dont know with grade wise it seems like things are at thier darkest . and it may be too late to stop them i might not graduate high school. i think i spent too much time thinking about after high school that i forgot about passing my classes man i would cry if i did fail high school i dont know i would be soo pissed i wouldnt know what to do with myself it just seems like things are so tough right now. i mean this graduation puts so much pressure on me it seems like my whole life depends on it. i a way it does going towards a job and career and things liekthat it alwayts seems like in high school im always one step behind the game one second too late i hate that feeling i hate that my life always seems to vbe that way that im just second rate i cant stand it and it drives me insane

coming back?

2005-04-27T22:56:00.000-07:00

well tonight was a wierd one , i have felt very nervus all night and have had a hard time consentrating on all most anything. so my parents went to a arlo guthrie concert . hes an old time singer and a good one at that but i just didnt feel up to the concert so i had sometime alone. and all of the sudden while i was sitting reading a book working on some homework i heard a great rush of wind out side. or something that sounded like it. now i started to think about the day and i remembered that it had not been windy all day and so i went outside to see if it had gotten windy. much to my dismay it was not windy it wasnt even cold. now i think have lots of insecurities of having christ come back and taking his children into heaven and because of how i live i get left behind. then i went on this whole mental trip about what if it did happen and what would i do who would i talk to then i would say i would start telling people about jesus and then i started freaking out because that would give god even more of a reason not to take me and because my parents were gone and they came home kind of late it only fueled the fire of fear because maybe they were taken and not me. and then to get to the point i came around to why that wasnt god coming back and even if it was why i would have been risen with him. and i started to say hey look i worship him i do....... then it kind of hit me yes you praise him but is he living as your god is he the one you obey or do you go along by your commands and live as you see fit? and it scared me when i had to be honest and say i live by my own rules it scared me to say that sin was fun it scares me to say i sin more then i talk to god . ive got caught up on seeming christian more then actually practicing. i was tring not to get caught not trying to do what was right . and now that the problem has been brought to my eyes i dont know how to fix it.
Lord you've shown me the problem now show me the answer im tired of seeing problems i want to see answers maybe they are right in front of me but i cant see them i dont know how too move forward without these answers i need these because these problems are like walls that i cant scale without you lord i need you i ned your help

how i have hurt you

2005-04-19T23:47:00.000-07:00

man lord i look back on my high school days as they are about to end. i look back at wrong turn after wrong turn mistakes not learned from and problems not sloved. and i begun to wonder how did things go so wrong how did things get so far off track? and i think maybe i didnt read your word enough how easly i was fooled into thinking that life was easy. how stupid was i to think that coasting was ok. i remember think ing "o i dont care anymore, im going to heven thats all that matters" i remember saying as long as i belive in my heart everythings fine. oh a little smoking here a little cussing here a little messing around with girls here and church on sunday man things are great. i look back and hate it! but then i look at today and im still in the same boat rowing upstream not getting anywhere trying to fight and out whit my conscious everyday justto get another guilty pleasure. i would argue till my face truned blue. but now its all said and done now its all ending what do i have to show? nothing thats it but a head full of empty memories of dreams smuthered by lusts and evil desires. and now i dont know where to turn i ask for direction but i seem not to find it i seem going backwards every day and it cuts me so deep sometimes i dont think these wounds will ever heal. like i cant have scars from these wounds because they will never scab up and scar over like there is no bridge over this water. and each day i play it off kool like im not hurting inside. i couldnt cry enough tears to satisfy this pain. its so easy not to think about and pass it on like nothing but i know all it does is build in the back of my mind like a over filled damn ready to burst. and i wish i could just say well its in the past and ive been forgiven now everythings fine but its not its really not the hurt is still there it kills me everyday i wake to see what i did to the man that gave his life for me. and its everyday every single day i turn my back. and i pray and i long for this time to be over but every day i wake its not i just want to live my life like i was ment to like a christian but i never can. i dont know whats wron i plead for help every night but it seems as if my crys are unanswered. i see my friends lifes crumbing all around me from drugs and alchol to sex and crime. i see them start to crumble and i trey to tell them what thier missing and then as im telling them this i seem too crumble right by them. and i ask what am i missing? whats wrong with me ? i dont know why i get out of bed in the morning i dont know why i try all i get is failure . im tired of seeing the ground come closer and closer im tired of the taste of dirt in my mouth . god if u want me to be christian, christ-like if you want a godly man then you do im done trying im done praying for help im done wasting my time trying to be good to be descent im done being at falt. im sick of the way i live and i know i cant do anything about it . sop hear i am as clay form me because im done trying to form myself i sick of being misshapen im sick of being at falt. i give up this night is over im going home.

lazyness

2005-04-16T23:57:00.000-07:00

man lazyness is much more of a problem then i thought. really when you think of lazyness you dont see something thats addicting or that will cause great harm. well it does and its taken a great deal of time away from me. its just a constant will to do nothing. its taken time away from school the word every aspect of my life is shortened because of my will to be lazy. and i have no idea how to counter act it. its like how do u stop being lazy? there arent anti lazy pills ive looked. ya sure a cup of coffie will keep you up , but im not looking for something to keep me up but something to keep me busy. something that will keep me wanting to be active because you can be up all day and be lazy. i just wish being active wasnt so hard. when you are lazy not being lazy is one of the hardest things to do. its like your whole body is telling you not to do a thing but your mind wants you to get up and do whatever it is that u must do and just be done with it its a tough life of a lazy man which i thought would be the total opposite when I first thought it was ok to be lazy
i remmember i saw my brother and my parents having trouble getting my bro out of bed and i thought it was so funny
i said i want to be just like that thats so kool to lay around and have fun resting its going to be real funny when my parents have a hard time getting me out of bed
if i only knew that the trouble i would be in when i got to here my brother was

amazing

2005-04-13T02:10:00.000-07:00

its amazing to me that even though all my sins even though i have turned my back hundreds of time on the lord he still loves me. its so crazy . theres a song and if i can remember right one of the lines " im a sinful man and you still desire me" man that is so powerful it states gods love in one line its crazy that is truly amazing i cant belive a king would die for a servent

the party

2005-04-13T01:47:00.000-07:00

well i did it agian i went out and tryed to throw a party
but this time i was a success it was huge i mean there were more people then i could count. oh it was great people drunk having a good time
music going on hot girls everywhere. everyone coming up to me saying how great my place was. which is just an abandone building on the main street in monterey. and then it got too big the cops came we ran out a back door and were stright for the night. the cops got all our alchol and my friends were all pissed and the night was over. i woke up sunday and went to church had a good time went home and slept all day. the next day my brother and my mom go over to that place and check it out because its kind of a family thing that we all own. i got caught then try to lie my way out which we all know is hitting bottom then grabing a shovel and start digging. so after my mom told me she knew i just kind of accepted it . i went back and cleaned the place up and my dads away on a trip and hes really pissed at and wont be back for awhile. and yet i know i did wrong i know i stomped on my moms trust but its like i dont feel the kind of remores i thought i would. its like man i shouldnt have done that, then i just kind of move on. i do feel sad inisde because i know it was wrong. but when i think about it , like every weekend i lie to my parents from where im sleep to what im doing. i guess i just have a great will to do whatever i want. which always happens to be the exact opposite of what my parents want.
i always said i hate when people lie to me i dont want anyone to lie to me so i wont lie. well i guess it was never apparent to me that every weekend i lied to my parents not with major things but lies none the less. i hate it i hate my life so much
i rember when i was small i would read the bible . or be in sunday school class and hear bible stories and hear the mistakes that people made and say man whats wrong with them? why cant they just do what god tells them too? i would say what fools how can people make such bad choises. then i tried to live my life. i see how i was a fool and just saying look how dumb they are not oh hey look at that mistake let me take some notes let me remember so i dont make that mistake but know i have to prove everyday that god loves me even though im a sinner

a big weekend

2005-03-22T00:11:00.000-08:00

this weekend was kool i guess. me and a bunch of friends went up to my grandfathers house and partyed the weekend away. and while the partying went on right in the middle i just noticed, wow look how things are? look at how my life is these friends this attitude everything and god revealed to me im just wating my high school. i am really just out too have fun. then we fell asleep cleaned up and left. so while we driving home it became clear to me. it was clear as day i have to leave i have to get away from the monterey bay if i ever want to live the life ive been dreaming of. im going to collage im going to UTI its going to be awesome i can tell. sometimes with god calls you you just know and you have to go.

a new break

2005-03-10T23:32:00.000-08:00

i was going to write a blog of sad sorrows and missed attemps at glory but i think that if i am going to write if i am going to let every one know what im thinking why should i go out to set up thoughts in peoples mind to feel sorry for me . look im going to say whats up and thats it. no more no less. so ill say whats on my mind with miss spelled words and maybe no punctuation . do you know why? because this is mine all mine and i have the power over what is written and what is not. so anyways my spring break is coming up and its my last. this one is going to be my greatest, the reason why is im going to have fun every day. now im not saying im just going to party everyday and throw my morals to the wind but i am saying its going to be pure fun. the kind of fun where it feels like this day will never end. i hope i dont mess up with lots of spare time on my hands but ill do my best pray for me

-dounald-

memeories

2005-03-07T22:54:00.000-08:00

Man its crazy every time I hear the song you look wonderful tonight by Eric
Clapton this Easy feeling comes over my body and I get all relaxed and it’s just
wonderful Its weird how songs can do that too you man its awesome thought I mean its
not just songs but its anything smells or words or a book a picture memory is such an
awesome thing its like it could be your best friend or your worst enemy. Its funny how that is because you would think that your past is the past and its not like it can hurt you now because all they are, are memories well except things like you killed someone or like committed a huge crime and are in jail. But like memories of sad events or of just troubling times can haunt you and can come back to life and be as real as they were at that point in time in your life is weird

a weekend thats forgetable

2005-03-06T23:39:00.000-08:00

well this weekend was a one of failer i guess i really have nothing to but i failed it sucks it seems like i fialed my friends failed its like this weekend everyone i know just kind of slipped back into old habbits and old ways of life.my friend bought a very large ammount of bud and it pisses me off so bad hes turning back into this stoner like he is starting to choose pot over friends . like my friend really needed a ride and so he says he will give her a ride. then he says to her hey i dont want to give you a ride i want to go smoke on the beach. so she has to call me up to give her a ride when all he has to do is take a five min drive. i guess ium just pissed but ill keep getting uip after ive fallen because thats the only thing to do

-dounald-

2005-03-02T23:15:00.000-08:00

My thoughts are so scrambled about today; I mean failure after failure I stood as they poured down upon me. Not just in my spiritual life but in all sorts of life, like my baseball game I killed the game for us all and we needed this win I don’t know I feel so down and out but its just times like these I pray to be put back up. I know I can’t win alone but it feels like I never win like I’m swarming around in quicksand and am never getting out. Its just really hard to keep going when all you see is failer but its times of failer you learn the most I guess so I will still cling to the lord because without him I'm doomed

a changed me

2005-03-02T00:08:00.000-08:00

Well tonight it was youth group and we played a game like we do every time and then it came to worth ship and I don’t know if the time was right or if god just hit me their on the spot, but I don’t know I was singing and I started to pray. It was great I asked god to change me, I don’t mean just for tonight not for the rest of the week but for good. I've been going down the wrong paths for so long I was just tired of it. When I asked for a change it just felt so great like god and I really had talked like I wasn’t asking for things I didn’t really want. Before I think I would pray for things because I knew I should but not because I was in great need of them. I don’t know it just hit me on how I hated life in general just because I knew there was so much more to this life then what I was doing. Spinning in circles doing the same sins just to occupy time. Now I’ve seen what’s out there and I’ve been there and seen how miserable it is to truly live the so-called "cool" life with tons of parties and lots of friends that really don’t mean anything. I could feel the great loss. And I know I want what god has but I know for a fact it’s easier to live now that I have the peace and the hope. God truly loves me and now its clear as day with out other distractions blocking it. It was just that when I truly tried to live the right kind of life I always stepped in and said oh your going to live that way? It will never happen, and I stood in the way of Christ changing me I wanted to be Christian with out Christ. Like a plane without wings or a fish without fins I of course failed time after time. But after frailer instead of trying it with god I just kept doing the same experiment expecting different results and of course they were the same. Its just... it just brings tears of joy to my eyes knowing that things will start to work now that I am at the right base. Now I don’t have to try new tricks and tactics to try and live the straight and narrow. Its now I can take a deep breath and finally breathe air without stress blocking my relief. Now rest and replenishment can set in with out having one eye open having to watch every moment.

whats up yo!

2005-02-28T23:43:00.000-08:00

hey well the end of things is nearing each and everyday and im just talking about school / it sucks i think i failed a class i had to pass or i wouldnt graduate on time and i also might have to quit the baseball team becasue i did not make grades. i just dont know i always try so hard but i never seem to get anywhere, its hard to try your hardest then find yourself right where you started. but my school years ending and my life as an adult is starting man i really just dont know what too do

oh lord i am just so lost, i have so many choises but i have no idea what to choose i can't belive this is so hard to just pick a job. i find myself just wondering so many times what you have in store for me and i see the time draw near to make that choise but even now i dont have that answer and im wondering will it ever come? i know i shouldnt worry but its so hard not too im just scared of running out of time to make a choise lord should i make the choise? should have i ready desided? i just dont know. i feel like you have given me the answer but i have forgotten it. im afraid of just spending all of my time here just desideing and not actually acting on anything. i think you have so much for me then just thinking of doing great things. lord i feel ive tried so hard at doing not your will like my life has gone in the wrong direction for awhile now. like my choise with what to do with my life was given to me a few years ago and i chose wrong i think im just going to lift this too you and let it set on my heart for awhile lord all i ask is give me an answer i just need an answer ill do it lord just give me an answer

-amen-

a night that was truly awesome

2005-02-26T01:44:00.000-08:00

man tonight i was ready for anything that came my way i had a terriable game and was ready for a night full of partying and drinking and smoking and making out with hot random chicks and i thought that would be awesome i found myself not doing any of that and i found out that because i did not do thoes things that my night was awesome, its at times when you feel like you must go out an make a good night you realize that god has given you and good night with just him just doing simple pleasures of life are far more greater and far more satisfying then trying to go out and party up every weekend with a agenda full of sins to try and satisfy your earthly needs to my point a great time has nothing to do with sin great times are had with pleasures that only the lord can give and when you look for them else where you only find lonlyness and despare

and yes taylor there will be no puctuation in any of my entries except for the ones in the past blogs and the one in this one because my thoughts dont come out with commas or periods

-dounald-

2005-02-24T23:29:00.000-08:00

i find myself so many times looking into the past and wishing that i was there i never really knew how great things were until the time had past to really appreciate them. it seems ive done that so many times in my past that i wonder if im doing it right now if im just passing by all of the great times with no pause to stop and thank god for how great things are. i know im blessed because of the great times ive had ut i wish i could see the great times as they are now instead of having to look back on memories that i passed looking for interesting things to do

your right

2005-02-24T15:13:00.000-08:00

hey whats up your right taylor it really was easy to start this i dont have much to say so ill just dig a little below the surface and see what comes up. man things are rough i mean i just feel so worn out every day from when i wake to the time i fall asleep i mean its not a bodly tired but a mental tiredness i just want to just let everything go all my worries care school everything just drop a bomb and leave because i kow i cant i guess dealing with it is the only other option i have i dont know in my predictions for the future when i was younger had this time in my life pictured so much different then how it really is but it is times like these that are going to end up being most valueable to me because of the courage and determinantion i must have to struggle threw them i dont know everything im aprt of seems so blank and undetermined to finish i really dont know where im headed anyways alrigh then im out

-dounald-